I am glad I am alive. I have Almighty God my creator to thank for that. However, there are desperate days when I have thoughts of suicide. The overwhelming feelings can cloud any lucidity and I often end up crying in desperation looking for a way to end these feelings of loneliness, desperation, self-hate etc. I don’t want to hurt anyone I really don’t. And I don’t act this way to manipulate, because the Lord knows my internal pains and struggles. I know that most of us struggle with life, and mental illness is on the rise. I don’t see enough help out there to support the vulnerable.
The trouble with being borderline is the paranoid thoughts in the moment of an ‘episode’ or whatever they are called, and then coming back down into reality where I can feel some sense of peace again. This can happen within the space of half an hour to an hour, dependent on whether I can stop worrying about what it was to get me into that state.
These thoughts of panic are overwhelming and I just want to die so the thoughts of suicide are frequent. I’ve attempted suicide three times in the past with an overdose of paracetamol or ibuprofen. Did I really want to die? No. I just wanted the inner pain to subside. Crying can relieve the tension, but even in those moments I always think that the crying will never stop. I can’t control my thoughts. They come in waves. When I’m having a stronger day I can cope better to the external stimuli, but I’m heavily sensitive to my emotions, to the emotions and body language of others, and to the world around me. Sometimes all I can do to soothe myself is to weep. It’s exhausting, especially when I’ve spent hours picking at various areas of my skin, and then having to clean the areas and apply antiseptic creams. Then comes the guilt and thoughts that Christian will soon tire of me.
When I break up with Christian, I get lonely and scared that no one will ever want me because of my scarred body. I look so ugly, but I don’t know how to stop this behaviour. Sometimes I have thoughts of suicide and I tell Christian. My behaviour and desperation is damaging to him. I know that an overdose of pills hasn’t worked for me, but stabbing myself would. I don’t have the guts to stab myself, even when the thoughts keep pestering me. Thought also about buying cyanide online. It would be a quick death. Then I feel guilty about hurting those who love and care for me, or I pray in desperation for help to get through this episode. Sometimes I wonder if it’s spiritual attack. Again…more paranoid thoughts that just make me sound loony.
I don’t want to die. The thoughts of suicide come when I am overwhelmed in the moment and I don’t know how to think straight. I never want to hurt those I love. I’m just desperate to feel stronger and together without reacting through weakness. I need help in those moments. I need reassurance and kindness. Most of all I need to forgive myself for having these cruel thoughts. Life is a gift and not everyone is granted this gift.
If you are having thoughts of suicide, please speak to someone urgently. Call the Samaritans on 116123 who will listen and offer advice. I know that during those desperate moments we can feel so alone, but please try not to suffer in silence. I know that this blog post hasn’t been the most uplifting of blog posts, but if you want to write to me, please get in touch.
