The chronic emptiness in borderline personality disorder is what makes this mental disorder so misunderstood by the mentally able. It may seem like we are trying to say that we are ‘special’ or even being ‘manipulative’, but if you have never felt this chronic emptiness then you will never understand how mentally isolating it feels to be so alone in a world of plenty.
There is so much variety in this world, so much vibrance and personality, and yet even when we are around people, we still have this chronic emptiness that comes from nowhere.
This can be one reason why we have suicidal ideation. Who would want to wake up feeling so empty and with such a level of loneliness that we feel no one else but Jesus will ever understand. I pour my heart out to Him and feel moments of peace. I read the Holy Word and feel enlightened, but then the loneliness begins to rain upon my shoulders and I’m cast down again.
The feelings of emptiness are horrible. They are all consuming and terrifying. They make me just want to hide under the covers and hope that sleep will push it all away, and sometimes this works, but sometimes it doesn’t. The guilt and shame over hurts that have happened to me, and hurts that I have put upon others, shadow over me until the tears start flowing and I pray for God to give me peace.
Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why art though disquieted within me? hope in God; for I shall yet praise him, who is the health of my countenance, and my God – Psalm 43:5
Even when I feel the chronic emptiness day by day, I remind myself that I am not alone. I have a saviour who has felt the pains of loneliness and rejection. I am safe in God’s hand. He cares and loves me, and he is nigh to the brokenhearted. Even though I cannot hear Him audibly, He gives me moments of peace and joy for which I am grateful, and He gives me the strength to make it through the day
