I’m tired of overreacting in BPD to something as silly as someone not showering or making an effort, which may seem extreme to normal minded person, but this is what actually goes on in the head of a person with Borderline Personality Disorder.
What my mind did was link to a time when my partner had shaved his face before he was meeting his ex-girlfriend, so when he started walking up to me last night for our regular curry, and he said he realised the time and it was too late for him to take a shower, the thoughts of “i’m not enough or I’m not important” began to roll around in my head, until I had built up such a scene when the food came that I needed to run way to my safe place. I realise I am overreacting in BPD, but I can’t actually see it until after the damage is done.
In Mindfulness for Borderline Personality Disorder by Blaise Aguirre and Gillian Galen, page 40 says:
The amygdala also plays an important role in the making of memories – in particular, memories tied to strong emotions. This is a critical function that, under normal circumstances, would work like this: Imagine that you go up to an unfamiliar dog that’s wandering in the park, and the dog growls at you and then bites you. You experience fear, and the memory is registered and locked in, making it less likely that you will go up to strange dogs in the future. From an evolutionary perspective, the amygdala would have helped keep us away from all sorts of dangers like saber-toothed tigers. In BPD this response is magnified, and then, rather than their serving simply as a warning system, the memories, paired with strong emotions, play over and over, causing suffering ever after the danger has passed.
After overreacting in BPD, and repeatedly telling myself that I wasn’t important enough for him to make an effort, I left our meal and bolted, tears welling up in my eyes, desperate to be alone where I could ‘cry all of he pain away’. He ran after me asking where I was going and I cried on his arm for several minutes. Thoughts of wanting to die began to pound in my head, and I asked him if he would stay with me. He said he would come round the following day, but I needed him then. I can never get him to come round during my desperate episodes of incredible loneliness unless I attempt suicide. Somehow, I just don’t think he cares enough to want to be with me during those horrible times of insecurity.
I’m not sure if this is ‘splitting’ in BPD – going from stable to unstable in a matter of minutes. Loving someone one minute then quitting on them the next. I’ve been this way for so long I believe that will never be able to have a healthy relationship.
The chronic emptiness and loneliness is horrible. All I want to do is for him to be around and love me, but instead I turn into a psycho saying all kinds of horrible words like fuck off selfish twat, selfish bastard, and I wish that our paths had never crossed. It’s a behaviour that I cannot stop even if I wanted it to. Finally, he then texts that he can’t take the abuse any more, and then I’m left feeling desperate enough to want to die because I believe that no one else will ever want me because of my scars etc.
It’s taken me until 4PM today to feel balanced again where I can actually function (and eat) normally. I feel so ashamed at my behaviour, but I don’t know how to stop. Can anybody help me when those overwhelming feelings come where I just need to ‘bolt’ off home where I’m isolating myself again, but also feeling so incredibly lonely and unable to cope? The overreacting in BPD is frequent. It happened yesterday, and it happened last Sunday. Is normal even possible?
